I wasn’t born with innate ability to lose control, even though I may seem placid yet chaotic most of the time. I am certain I don’t have the quality of floating in mid air – to feel afloat, not worrying about anything and let things slide. I prefer my feet on the ground, being very positive that I am safe down here and not subjected to any drift of uncertainties that may or may not occur during my presence. You could call it being responsible, or you could even call it being pusillanimous. However, I wouldn’t be too surprised when I do succumb to the persistent waves of emotional turmoil, left to cower and quiver in this excessive self-perceived fear. I don’t profess to be an expert in getting my mind in check but permutations through logic always reminded me that if I don’t adhere to a particular structure or the system, everything would just veered off course one way or the other, all just the matter of time.
I am so convinced that it is best to be rational and reliable to all but constantly wondering about how green is the grass on the other side. Hence, the name of the blog. Until this point of my life, I can’t help but question my logical self – have you truly lived for yourself? It is so tempting to just do whatever you want even for that short moment. It is so aggravating to put the need of the rest first before acknowledging the existence of yourself. If I allow myself to do so, I will be gone before sunrise, on a jet plane to somewhere that I may not be able to pronounce its name. I would go on an adventure to feel alive again, I would go on a discovery to feel young again, I would go on and live for myself. By then, I would be able to say, “I don’t care” for real. But whom am I kidding? I couldn’t even convince myself into learning this delicate art of letting go.
Between rough sea of emotions and the calm pond of logic, It is true that I tend to favour the latter but occasionally find myself drown in another. The need for the most practical and effective mode of interaction with people rendered and further justified the necessity of perfunctory exchange of favours between two or more parties. To add salt to the wound, I personally find it very debilitating and infirming to see that reproachful look on others when you fail to address the confluence of sensible thoughts. What makes it even more unbearable is the necessity to slather them with puffy, superfluous and purposeless layers of various feel-good factors to keep everyone happy but me. I despise my futile attempt to have tenacity of every situation and my pathetic endeavour to garner for approval of the majority.
The rain continued to pelt down with no mercy. I trudged down the road with that apparent doleful look on my face, but firmly believe that this road will be unimpeded by any obstacles that may come my way even thigh I could barely discern the shape of what lies ahead from here. Regaining my composure, I went on assuring myself that everything is going to be okay. Then, I will be on my way, on the best approach to what I think would work best for everyone.