To Live, To Leave

I told him I am ready to live. Or leave.

Whichever way it is, I am partially trying to convince myself that I can and partially am certain that it will not turn out too far from my expectation. Leaving probably will be a new chapter in my life, ready to be experienced. Living probably begins with the act of leaving my comfort zone, ready to be explored.

It was a lazy afternoon, yesterday. Talking to him led me down the very spiral that was swinging me back and forth for an extended period of time. Almost so depressing that I booked a ticket on that February morning to Hong Kong. However, this time was different because I know what I want to do… more like I know what I don’t want to do.

He told me that getting too comfortable is dangerous, he told me that he is going further.

At that very moment, I am glad he reminded me of that. Before I even notice it, I am already freezing into a solid, awaiting for the next spring to come. It’s getting really cold inside, myself. The passion to experience life is embedded in me, that is undeniable. But when expose to the wind and rain from the reality of the world. I would say, the fire did get affected somehow. I am still me, thankfully. Yet, something is not quite right. This sense of hollowness as well as the sub-optimal temperature  are still inside of me despite the progress I am making right now with an appropriate intensity navigating to the supposedly right direction.

My point of view is very pro-function. Things that do not produce or facilitate the goal-seeking process was rendered as wasteful. But as someone once said, if you rush from point A to point B, everything else in between will blend into the background then disappear. I know for sure I do not want that to happen. I do not want to realise one day that my life has been so focused on the end point, I instinctively removed the capability to appreciate the process. I do not want to regret one day that I had been blindly motivated by the final goal in life, I forgot to live as a person in this beautiful world.  Is this the reason then? Am I missing something? Or is this the compromise that everyone has to put through? Or is this essentially, the inevitable phase in life when we accept and forgive life as it is?

I told him that I am ready to live.

He did not agree.

But I forgot to mention to him that, I have to find out how first.

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