I would like to think that I am moving forward.
Sometimes when I walk aimlessly, I can’t help but thinking why am I moving in circles when I can go places? Where am I heading to? Where am I going to? As the time flows by, what am I doing now? What should I do now?
If this is life, what is this that I am feeling now?
That Friday morning, I was late for class. Barely awake by 8.30am, reached school at 9.15am, both hungry since there weren’t enough time for breakfast and cold as I conveniently left my jacket at home. Luckily it was Ms. Intan, I am sure she understands, I am trying to convince myself. But heck, I have been doing that all the time, hopefully this wasn’t the last one that I could pull off. I was the last one to enter the class. It wouldn’t be hard to notice, when you have only 5 students in the advertising specialisation class. I took my place, next to Edwin who was suppose to be later than me in order to deem my lateness void, almost missing it by a split second. The Mac computer seemed happy as I turned it on. Maybe it was just me.
Friday is one of my favourite day, it’s design day. This is the day when we could sit there, do absolutely nothing, or do almost everything for the next four hours (3, actually considering the fact that I am always late). Most importantly, you are doing something you like and adore so much. The day can only be more interesting that we always think it should be. I like the subtle progression of the day, when we could just hog on the computer, on design research, graphic design and typography, attempting to make this world a better (more beautiful place).
But, honestly, where am I heading to?
When I was showing Ms. Intan about my work on the self logo design assignment, she was asking me the very same question. “This isn’t you.” she said, despite the fact that she only seen me for 2 weeks of classes only which amount to less than 8 hours of total class hours. “It’s like you are not showing something.” she added.
I have to agree. But the problem is, I myself have no idea where am I heading to. What am I trying to achieve or even where am I intended to go. I guess I am just lost in the fabric of space and time, like a droplet in the flowing river, merely existing in the flow.
I yearn for the passion, I yearn for direction.
I am pretty good with maps, I might not have a good memory on those road names or how they look like, but I could navigate to destinations eventually. The keyword here being eventually. However, it somehow frustrate me when I am constantly in the everlasting loop. Waking up, eating, studying, doing assignment, eating, sleeping, and the sequence is then placed on repeat. I think I want to break free, trying to find a purpose in life is harder than I thought. And there I was, trying to teach people how to be happy, assuming that being the purpose in life. They might be surprised if I tell them that I am hating myself right now. Maybe that’s why the logo contradicted me.
Where am I heading to, actually?
I would like to know and I certainly hope that I am moving forward.