I had been sleeping really late recently.
Right after my final exams, I am sleeping at 5am and wake up after noon the very next day. This is a screwed up biological sleeping pattern, yet it is all because I started to like the serenity and peace that I could have during wee hours. The pace slows down and I could feel the world on the top on my fingertips. Looping Dido’s song at the background, I started reading articles and writing blog posts all over again.
I had found the motivation to actually write down stuff.
Perhaps I am trying to leave some tracks, a desperate attempt and frail struggle to exist or at least, try to exist. I wonder since when it began, when things around me seem to have a lot more impact on me. Relationships between people and the things I did became an epitome of my life. Maybe that’s why I am starting with all these resolutions completion project which includes 12 self improvement resolutions to be completed within 365 days. List goes all the way from, exercising to taking a guitar lesson.
This is sad, no? Trying to think that I had a direction and attempting to achieve my lifetime goals while experiencing life at its best when in fact I am just like everyone else, lost in the sea of people, wondering around with no sense of purpose. Not to mention the occasional realization of the shallowness of the world and the materialistic side of the society. Please do not allow me to come in contact with people who are suicidal inclined, they might just suicide there and then after 5 minutes of conversation with me.
But the best thing is? I won’t, because I am still believing in possibilities, of things happening or the complete opposite. It makes me feel like a complete hypocrite, living with an unknown mask in front of my face, trying to fit in ALL the time.
This is so tiring.
If there’s one day when financial freedom is achieved, I would submerge myself in arts and expressions. Maybe I will make music, maybe I will make movies, maybe I will runaway and travel around the world. Allowing myself to disappear from the surface of the world for awhile, not like it matters anyway. I will stand under the Eiffel Tower, I will lie on the beach at Bali, I will ski at Hokkaido, Japan, I will paint my life with experiences that I never thought I would encounter.
The harsh truth of life has to get in the way, tearing dreams apart and leaving life pointless. Capitalist and materialist ideologies had constantly insisting that it’s not okay to do what you want because one needs to work and and earn money to enjoy life as it is. We are meant to work, that’s what they say. And make us richer. that’s what they didn’t say. It might be wise to know that you are able identify these ideologies at play in our society, yet the society still perceive you as a person who is in denial and refusing to accept the social order.
Am I going to feel content doing what I like but leaving a trace? Or merely contributing to the social order? I guess it’s going to be a long night, tonight.