I had been doing a lot of things that I would never expect myself to do. For example, 12.3km run of Men Health, tonight. I mean for a person like me who hated running participating in a marathon, well, I would not say I am completely sane at the moment. I am not quite sure what am I trying to prove or what am I trying to convince. Maybe I am trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I am trying to make the best out of everything, maybe I am trying to run away. I would not completely deny the possibilities. Or maybe I just do not want to leave any regrets behind, probably all because of the fact that I was listening to a lot of talks recently and a lot dealt with perceptions.Or maybe I am just getting old. *Gasp*
“I will not try to be right, I choose to be happy.” the speaker once said.
Am I happy? What am I suppose to do to feel happy? I started to question myself. It was used to be easy, I could be happy with a nice dinner, a simple gift, a short conversation, a simple trip or a insignificant accomplishment (real or virtual). But things had changed, I still feel happy nonetheless, but significantly less. My thoughts wonders back to the questions but it was completely futile. For some reason, I couldn’t even give a definite answer to myself.
I am aware of my desire of learning which probably is a result for a constant feeling of incapability. Does this produce happiness? Apparently not. Learning is a choice to survive better, I need to learn and my rationale refuse to associate requirement with emotional satisfaction. And so, I am back to square one. I am also aware of my weird habit of jumping into new things, aka exploring new things, maybe that will be a credible source for happiness. I went diving, am I happy? Yes, accomplishment. I am running, will I be happy? Very likely, accomplishment. I guess that is exactly what I am going to do.
So yeah, I am going to run for 12.3km tonight at PutraJaya and I certainly hope that I could still feel my leg after that. *Cross Fingers*